Calling the Bluff
by angelofthequeers
Summary: "If he stays, I am afraid I will have no choice but to leave." What if Dean called Gadreel's bluff and didn't kick Cas out of the bunker? What if he was actually a good friend to Cas? And what if Cas' experience with April was treated with more than oblivious joking? Trigger warnings: explicit mentions of non-con. Two-shot, 9x03 coda.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.**

 **I needed to get back into writing and, well…this idea just hit me. Also, I was pissed that Dean, who would do anything for his family, just turned Cas out into the cold without even a THOUGHT that maybe, just** _ **maybe**_ **, Cas doesn't have** _ **any clue**_ **how to human, especially after having his grace violently ripped from him. He didn't even give Cas any money, or help him get set up somewhere nearby where he could help, or anything! Gadreel wanted him out of the bunker but Dean still could have freaking helped his best friend!**

 **Needless to say, S9 is** _ **not**_ **my favourite season. Especially after they threw Cas' virginity away in such a horrible, laughing way and made jokes out of it. My stomach churns whenever I see posts of that scene where he tells Sam and Dean and people comment with jokes and laughter.**

 **Just…no. And don't get me started on poor April.**

 **Also, I don't see Dean caring about virginity. All he'd really care about is if his partner was hot and able to pleasure him.**

"If he stays, I am afraid I will have no choice but to leave."

Those words chilled Dean to his core.

"Oh – no – you can't do that," he protested stupidly as he tried to wrap his brain around Zeke's words. "Sam's not well enough – if you leave his body…"

"I know. I am sorry."

Zeke delivered these words coolly, not sounding sorry for Dean in the least. Rather, Dean thought, he sounded sorry that it had come down to this, and that thought made his blood boil.

"No."

Zeke frowned. The expression looked out of place on Sam's face.

"I beg your pardon?"

Dean glared at Zeke.

"No. I'm not kicking Cas out of the bunker."

"Did you not just hear –?"

"No, _you_ listen to _me_! Cas just _died_ , okay? Some reaper bitch just stabbed him to death and I am _not_ gonna throw him out in the cold when he clearly can't look after himself!"

"You give Castiel too little credit. From what I have observed, he is a warrior. He was able to survive on his own –"

"Until that reaper caught him! And that's not even the point, man! He shouldn't _have_ to survive on his own if he can have food and a bed here! He's just been thrown from all-powerful angel to barely functioning human and you wanna kick him out there again? He's probably barely holding it together!"

"Dean –"

"Shut up, Zeke. What if that was _you_? What if you suddenly went from jumped up winged dick to a powerless human, huh? Sam and I've lived our whole lives like that. Cas hasn't. I'm not just booting him out to get killed again!"

"I have told you, Dean. By associating with Castiel, I am putting myself in danger."

Dean eyed the angel coldly.

"So you expect me to throw Cas out when _he's_ in danger, just because _you_ don't feel safe? Y'know, if Cas was in your shoes, he wouldn't dream of telling me to get rid of you. He'd stand and fight because that's the decent thing to do."

"Maybe if he truly knew…"

The words were muttered almost too quietly for Dean to hear but he picked them up anyway.

"Knew what?"

Zeke blinked owlishly at him.

"Nothing. So you won't tell Castiel to leave. You would place him above your own brother?"

Dean snarled.

"Don't you _dare_ ," he spat, advancing on Zeke. The angel may have been wearing his brother's face but he carried himself far differently from Sam, so it was easy to focus on Zeke's presence rather than Sam's appearance. "Don't you _dare_ say that there is _anyone_ I care about more than Sam! But Cas is family as well and I'm not gonna stab him in the back when he needs me! Especially when he told me I could trust you! That's the _only_ reason I let you inside Sam!"

Zeke nodded resignedly.

"Very well. You've made your choice. I hope that Sam is strong enough to survive my leaving him but I highly doubt it."

"You won't leave him." Dean pulled out the one desperate trump card he had up his sleeve to call the angel's bluff.

"You say that with such certainty."

"Because I _am_ certain. You can't leave Sam if you wanna be safe. See, this bunker's the safest place on Earth. None of the other angels can find you here. And the only reason you're still here is 'cause you're healing Sam. If you leave Sam, I got no reason to let you stay here."

Zeke's eyes glimmered, though not with any positive emotion. Dean gave himself a mental pat on the back.

"You can't afford to leave Sam, 'cause then you don't get a place to hide. The way I see it, I got all the power here. So go ahead. Leave Sam. But don't expect me to let you back in here if you do."

Zeke regarded him for a moment.

"Very well," he said stiffly. "I will stay. But if Castiel should die again, I won't bring him back."

Dean knew that was coming. Expecting the angel to just give in without a fight would've been too much. But he didn't care. Cas was back! He got to keep him!

"Good. Glad we got that out the way."

"Got what out the way?"

Dean could've grinned at Sam's confused tone.

"Nothing, Sammy. Nothing at all."

* * *

"Thank you, Dean," Cas said for the fifth time, scarfing down his fourth burrito.

"Careful, buddy, you're gonna make yourself sick. And you don't need to keep thanking me. I wasn't gonna kick you out after you freaking died."

"Nevertheless, thank you. You weren't obliged – especially after everything I've done –"

"Hey, cut it out. I forgave you, okay? You got screwed over, just like we all did at some point. I'd be a pretty shit friend if I just gave you the boot. Metatron's the one I'm gonna kill, not you."

His stomach did a weird fluttery thing when Cas swallowed his burrito and actually beamed at him – the ex-angel's second true smile that wasn't some possessed or crazy version of him, and again it was directed at Dean. Dean felt oddly smug and privileged.

"Alright, bottomless pit, that's enough," he said when Cas reached for a fifth burrito. "You'll puke it all up if you eat too much. Let's go get you some clothes so you can shower and I'll get a room set up while you're in there."

"I haven't had much chance to shower," Cas said wistfully as Dean led him down the hall. Dean frowned.

"Seriously? You haven't showered since – since then?"

"No. I'm afraid that I don't smell the best. I wanted to wash my clothing but what little money I had, I had to spend on my tattoo. I couldn't even afford to buy food."

Dean's stomach twisted painfully.

"You – you couldn't eat? Is that why –?"

"Yes. The shelters I frequented were kind enough but there was never enough food to fully satisfy my hunger. So when April found me…"

He sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"I was weak. I was off my guard. I allowed her to manipulate me and take advantage of me."

"Manipulate you?" A sickening stone was starting to settle in Dean's belly. "She liked you, you liked her, you had fun times. Well, she didn't _really_ like you but…"

Cas shrugged, staring at the bathroom door where they'd stopped.

"I did like her, yes. But I had no desire to have sex with her."

"Then why –?"

"I thought – I thought it was to be payment for her taking me in. For inconveniencing her and eating her food and sleeping in her bed. It seemed a small price to pay. My virginity for her hospitality."

"But you – but you didn't want it?'

Dean's head was reeling. Cas had seemed so casual when he'd brought up having sex with April! And now he was admitting that he'd only done it out of – out of some twisted sense of obligation? Any annoyance ( _'And jealousy,'_ a small voice put in) at Cas having slept with April drained out of Dean.

"No. Not particularly. I simply…feared for my life."

"Cas –"

"Oh, I didn't think that she would kill me at the time. If she hadn't been possessed by a reaper then I highly doubt she would have harmed me directly. But I…expected her to evict me if I didn't offer some sort of payment. Then again, if she hadn't been possessed then maybe this whole argument would be invalid. I have no way of knowing what the real April would have done."

It broke Dean's heart to see the exact moment that Cas realised just how he'd been used. The thoughtful look faded, replaced by one more akin to horror.

"Cas –"

"I think I would like that shower now, Dean. And I apologise for inconveniencing you and requiring some of your clothes but I have nothing else. I'm just grateful that you are allowing me to stay. And at least I did not 'die a virgin'."

Dean wanted to say something. He wanted to reach out and hug Cas and tell him that everything was going to be okay and he was going to fix this. But Cas disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, and all Dean could think was, _'How am I supposed to fix this?'_

* * *

While Cas was in the shower, Dean picked out an old pair of sweatpants and boxers and an _AC/DC_ shirt for Cas to wear. Every motion he went through, however, was numb and lifeless.

Cas was hurting. And he couldn't do anything about it. Cas could be just as stubborn as a Winchester if he wanted to be and Dean knew that he'd have to be careful when talking about this, so as not to push him too far and make him clam up. Though Cas probably didn't even understand just how bad this whole thing truly was, so maybe Dean would get lucky and Cas would tell him everything.

If that reaper wasn't already dead, Dean would have killed her again in the slowest, most excruciating way he could think of. How _dare_ she take advantage of Cas like that? Cas was supposed to pop his cherry for fun and enjoyment and to see what sex was all about – not be forced into giving it away for fear of his own life! Dean felt sick to his stomach. Cas hadn't even wanted it! What sort of monster would manipulate someone into sex in order to have a roof over their head and food in their stomach?

' _That's wrong,'_ he thought furiously. _'That's gotta be wrong, tricking someone into it.'_

And what about the real April? Dean honestly hadn't even spared her a thought until now but while he was on the topic of forced sex, what about the poor chick who'd been possessed? Cas had never had that problem – Jimmy was long gone by the time Cas even _looked_ at porn and got his first boner. But that reaper bitch had been possessing a vessel that very much still contained a soul in it. What had April thought? Had she agreed to it with the reaper? Had she hated every minute of it? Had she even _known_? Dean had never been possessed by anything more than a ghost, and those were weak. How terrifying was it to not be in control of your body but have to watch everything that went on?

"Son of a _bitch_!"

Dean punched his wall in rage. Why the hell had it all gone so wrong? It was only a week ago that Cas had been a nerdy angel (albeit a nerdy angel that Dean had been pissed at) and April had most likely been some random, non-possessed chick. And now Cas had been greeted to humanity with homeless shelters and bitches who manipulated him into sex ( _'That's sexual assault, y'know. He couldn't consent properly. He only did it out of obligation and self-preservation,'_ his brain supplied helpfully. Dean tried to strangle it), and April was dead after a double whammy of possession and sex that she hadn't been able to consent to.

Dean might have been a very sexual creature but at least he fucking respected consent. If he got so much as a hint that someone wasn't into it, it was game over for both of them.

* * *

The sound of running water caught his attention at that moment. Cas had been in that shower for a long time…was he alright?

"Cas?" Dean called, leaving his room with the clothes. "You okay in there?"

He got no reply. Pausing outside the bathroom door, he raised a fist and knocked.

"Cas?"

Worry gnawed at his stomach when Cas didn't answer.

"Cas? I'm comin' in, okay?"

To his relief, the door was unlocked and Dean was able to slip into the steamy room. The first thing he saw was Cas sitting on the floor of the shower, curled into a ball. His skin was red and splotchy, though Dean wasn't surprised considering how much steam the water was making – it had to be pretty damn hot. His arms were also covered in red lines, as though he had been scratching and clawing at them.

"Cas! You okay?" He threw the clothes down, quickly stripped to his boxers and shouldered his way into the shower with Cas. When Cas looked up at him, Dean's heart shattered at the broken look behind Cas' blue eyes.

"I'm dirty, Dean," the ex-angel whispered. "I'm filthy. I tried to clean myself – to scrub away the taint – but I can't. I can't get rid of it."

The water was so hot that it scalded Dean's skin. He reached up to turn the taps off and then wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him close.

"You're not dirty, Cas," he said firmly. "You didn't know. You couldn't help it. It was self-preservation."

"Exactly! I didn't _know_ , Dean! I was weak and helpless and I – I allowed that reaper to _use_ me. I'm _stained_!"

"Hey! No, you're not!"

"It isn't even about my virginity, Dean! I was – and I used _her_. The real April – she couldn't have consented – I'm just as bad as that reaper!"

Cas' breaths were coming in quick, short gasps. Dean rubbed a hand down Cas' back, trying to comfort him but feeling utterly helpless and powerless.

"At least I gave some form of consent! But April – the real April – she couldn't – Dean, I _raped_ her!"

He spat the words as though he had something filthy in his mouth.

"Cas, slow down! Stop!"

Dean let go of Cas so that he could cup the ex-angel's face and gently tilt it up. Cas met his eyes for a second before looking away.

" _You didn't know_ ," Dean said firmly. "It's _not_ your fault, Cas. It's not April's fault. It's that damn reaper bitch who's to blame. _She's_ the one who – who did that to April. How the hell could you have known? And if you _had_ known, you'd never have taken advantage of her!"

"Even if that was true," Cas whispered brokenly, "I'm still tainted. I – there is a stain on me, Dean – a stain that I can't clean off, no matter how hard I try. I – I scrubbed and I scrubbed and I broke your bar of soap but –"

The tears that had been threatening to break loose finally came pouring out. Dean held a sobbing, hiccupping Cas close, allowing his angel to let everything out.

' _Your angel?'_ the voice sniggered.

' _Shut the fuck up! Cas needs me, so fuck off!'_

The voice didn't reply.

"I'm sorry, Dean," Cas said stuffily. "I'm just burdening you. I hate to ask but if you'll allow me to borrow some clothes, I'll leave as soon as I –"

"Wait, what? Leave? You can't leave!"

"I'm tainted, Dean. I know how important sex is to you and I couldn't even do that right. I'll save you the trouble of asking me to leave."

Those words were a punch in the gut.

"Seriously?" he said. Cas flinched away.

"I've upset you. I'm sorry –"

"Don't apologise, Cas! You're not tainted! Someone just screwed you over! Guess what? I've been played like a puppet before as well!"

"Not sexually! Why can't you understand, Dean?"

"Because I can't! You really think that sex is _that_ important that I'm gonna throw you out and never talk to you again because you got pushed into it?"

"No. I don't think you would throw me out, though you would be right to. But I do know that you can't possibly look at me the same way again –"

"You're right. I can't."

Cas visibly recoiled, his mouth drooping.

"You know how I see you now? I see an amazing person who got fucked over and tricked into sex – which should _never_ happen, man. You shouldn't _ever_ have to give sex in return for _food_ and _shelter_ , which any _decent_ person would give you out of the kindness of their heart!"

Dean's stomach twisted at Cas' piercing blue gaze.

"You're still my best friend, Cas. I still need you so damn much. Sex…it's just somethin' I do for fun, okay? Something to relieve stress or to just have a good time. Some people think it's pure and special and only do it with 'the one they love' but again, they _consent_ to it – they don't extort it outta their partner! I'm not gonna think any less of you for being manipulated into it. Hell, all that does is make me wanna do anything I can to help ya. But I don't know how."

"You don't have to," Cas murmured, sagging into Dean's arms. "I'll get over it in due time."

"You can't just 'get over it', Cas. That was _sexual assault_. You think anyone else just 'gets over it'? It's gonna take time, man. And I'm gonna be right there, helping you. You got that? You can't get rid of me."

He mentally cheered when trembling arms wrapped around his chest and Cas buried his face in the crook of his neck, warm breath sending goosebumps racing along his skin.

"Thank you, Dean. I know I don't deserve it –"

"You do, Cas. You've nearly always been there for me. We had our moments but they're gone, okay? I don't care anymore. What I _do_ care about is helping you and making you see that this _isn't_ your fault and you _shouldn't_ feel ashamed. Just 'cause she didn't pin you down and force you to take it doesn't make it any less horrible."

He automatically reached up and began to stroke Cas' wet hair. Cas heaved in a shuddering breath.

"Thank you," he murmured. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't be. Not your fault."

"If – if there was anybody I would have liked to give myself to for my first time…it would have been you."

Dean's stomach was suddenly all over the damn place.

"Me? You sure, man?"

"Yes. I'm certain. I would not feel pressured into anything with you. I'm sure of it."

Ignoring the small voice in his head that screamed that he was a very straight man and liked boobs and soft curves and toned butts, Dean kissed the top of Cas' head. His gay panic could wait because right now, Cas damn well needed him.

"You wouldn't," he said firmly. "And you won't. I don't give a damn about virginity. All it's good for is dragons and spells."

Before he knew what was happening, a pair of soft lips were pressing to his. He kissed back, though he didn't inject as much force as he'd have liked into it and he made sure to keep it chaste and back off when Cas pulled away. Cas was setting the boundaries here and he wasn't going to push him into anything he wasn't ready for.

"The way I see it, you're not dirty," Dean said. "You're just a bit cracked. But hey, aren't we all a bit messed up around here?"

The brief, wide smile that Cas shot him made the twenty minutes shivering in the shower totally worthwhile.

"Now, c'mon. You're gonna get sick if you just sit here, so let's get you dressed and in bed."

He tried not to stare at Cas' toned body as they stood up, in case he made the guy uncomfortable or something – though it _was_ difficult because Cas was damned good-looking. To distract himself he helped Cas dry off, snickering when he rubbed Cas' hair madly to make it stick up everywhere and Cas let out an annoyed exclamation, and he smiled to himself when Cas was finally dressed and stood there, looking like an oversized puppy.

"Didn't get a chance to make up your bed, so I'll go and do that now. You want a hot drink or something? Not coffee or you won't get to sleep, but maybe tea. Sam keeps some of that herbal shit around – that health freak."

"No thank you, Dean. I would just like to sleep."

Dean quickly made up a bed for Cas, who stood there and yawned while this went on, and once Cas was safely wrapped in his blankets, Dean leaned down and kissed him lightly.

"You need anything, you call," he said. "Don't worry if I'm asleep. You capiche?"

"I capiche," Cas murmured, his eyes sliding closed. "Thank you, Dean."

Dean just ruffled his hair in response and slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him. On the way to his room, he ran into Sam.

"Is Cas okay?" Sam said. "He was in that shower for a long time."

"He's getting there. Just…don't mention anything about April to him, okay?"

"Why not?"

"He thought she'd kick him out if he didn't put out. She was possessed and wasn't in control – the reaper was. Get the picture?"

Sam's eyes widened.

"Oh. That's – oh."

"Yeah. So don't even think about it around him."

"I won't. I actually have tact, unlike some people."

Dean rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. 'Night, bitch."

"Goodnight, jerk."

Barely a few minutes after Dean climbed into bed, there was a knock on his door. When Cas mumbled something about not being able to be alone with his thoughts, Dean immediately moved to the edge of the bed and pulled the covers back in invitation.

"Thank you," Cas whispered as he got into bed. Dean reached out and tugged him close, arranging the ex-angel so that he could comfortably hold him. Cas loosely embraced him back and buried his face in the crook of Dean's neck.

"Anything, Cas."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.**

 **So here's the promised second part! I MIGHT write a small piece of smut for a third chapter – nothing too explicit – if I get enough interest but by NO means does it mean that Cas is healed, nor will he have forgotten everything that happened and waved it all off. And it would take place MONTHS after this.**

 **But yeah. This is just angst and fluff. FLUFFY ANGSTY ANGST FLUUUUUUUFF.**

 **Thanks to AngelisticSatan, TenxRose, masterjediratgrl31, Nicole-Witch-Poseidon'sLilGirl, KAL, an-angel-of-the-lord11, Minilin, Snovolovac and SorayaWinchesterHolmes for your reviews :)**

Dean Winchester had lived for thirty four years – existed for seventy four, if one wanted to count his time spent in Hell. Of his thirty four years of being alive, he had spent only four as a normal person. His other thirty had hardened him into the perfect soldier, with heightened abilities and senses that even a trained soldier would be envious of. One of these included the ability to sleep lightly, to wake at a moment's notice from the little sleep that he caught to function on.

And that ability came in pretty damn handy when he wrenched himself out of his light slumber to find Cas tossing and turning in his arms, covered in sweat and whimpering and pleading.

"Cas?" Dean said, immediately fully awake. "Cas, wake up!"

Cas full on recoiled from Dean's careful touch with a cry.

"Please!" He gave a choked cry. "Don't want – 'm sorry – 'm sorry, April – don't do this –"

Dean was tempted to shake Cas awake but he'd had enough experience with traumatic nightmares to know that the worst thing to do to someone stuck in a hellish dream and unaware of their surroundings was to frighten them even more. So instead, he let go of the now-sobbing ex-angel to angle himself so that Cas wouldn't accidentally attack him if he lashed out, then placed a gentle hand on Cas' shoulder.

"Cas," he said gently with a careful shake. "Cas, wake up. You're dreaming buddy."

Just as he'd suspected, Cas woke violently and kicked out, attacking an invisible enemy. Dean immediately took his hand away, not wanting Cas to feel restrained and even more at threat than he currently felt.

"Cas, it's okay," he said soothingly as Cas gasped and panted for air while shaking heavily. "You're here, with me. Not there."

Slowly, Cas began to calm down and as he did, his eyes darted around the dark room. Dean quickly switched on his bedside lamp to give Cas some light to see with.

"D-Dean?" Cas said hoarsely. "You're – I'm not –"

"You're safe," Dean said firmly. "Can I hug ya?"

Cas nodded shakily and sat up. Dean gathered the ex-angel in his arms straight away and held him close, running his fingers through Cas' messy black hair.

"I – I'm sorry, Dean." Cas' voice wobbled. "I was having a nightmare. I thought –"

"I know what you thought, Cas. You don't have to tell me if you don't wanna. You okay, man?"

"No," Cas sniffled. "I'm not. I'm broken. I can't even _sleep_ without replaying those memories over and over again."

"Hey, that's normal. It took a year for my Hell nightmares to go away."

"A year? I – Dean, I can't. I can't do it. I can barely hold myself together now as it is. I can't survive a year like this."

"Don't say that, man! You're strong. One of the strongest people I know. If anyone can pull through this, it's you."

Cas laughed darkly, his face still streaked with tears.

"Look at me, Dean. It took Hell to incapacitate both you and Sam. And me? I was an _angel_. And I've succumbed to something so… _human_. I can't believe I was so weak as to allow this to happen."

Dean's arms tightened.

"Stop it right now," he snapped. "You're not weak, okay? Shit happens. Sam and I've dealt with nightmares and human crap all our lives. You're only new to this. So it makes sense that you don't know how to begin to deal with it. But I'm gonna help you. Okay?"

Cas gave another horrible laugh – a laugh that made Dean cringe, that he never wanted to hear from Cas' mouth again.

"If you say so."

Dean pulled back slightly so that he could gently grip Cas' chin and push his head up.

"I do say so. You didn't ask for that to happen, okay? You didn't deserve it. Nobody does. Y'know, if it had happened to me? I'd be coping just as well as you are. You don't need to feel ashamed!"

He went to kiss Cas before remembering just why the ex-angel was so worked up in the first place.

"I'm just gonna kiss you, okay? Nothing more."

When Cas nodded, Dean softly pressed their lips together and kissed chastely. It was Cas who deepened the kiss, swiping his tongue across the seam of Dean's mouth for entry that he was quickly granted.

"Cas? What are you –?" Dean said as Cas pushed him onto his back and climbed on top of him. "Cas?"

"I want you," Cas growled, nibbling a trail of kisses down Dean's throat.

"Cas –"

"Dean, I want to sleep with you. I want you to erase every little bit of that reaper from me."

Dean jerked, startled, when Cas palmed the front of his pants.

"Cas – Cas, stop!" he said. Cas looked at him with thinly veiled hurt.

"Don't you want me?" he said. Dean's rising dick agreed strongly with Cas' sentiment.

"Cas, just – slide off for a moment."

Cas obediently slipped off Dean and curled into a ball. Dean grabbed his hands carefully.

"I do want you," he said. "Fuck, Cas, you're gorgeous. But I – I don't want you to sleep with me just to – I dunno, prove a point or because you think it's the right thing to do."

"I want to have sex with you," Cas mumbled, his face buried in his knees. "Why won't you help me?"

"Because that's not helping you, Cas. That's just gonna make the problem worse. You're not ready."

"I am!"

"Okay. Can I – can I touch you?"

Cas nodded straight away. Dean reached down to very lightly brush his fingers across Cas' crotch and immediately got the reaction he'd suspected he would get: Cas shuddering and flinching away.

"See? Cas, more sex isn't gonna fix you. I get that you don't wanna feel damaged or broken but this isn't the way to do it."

Cas made a funny noise. It took a moment for Dean to realise that the black-haired man was crying and as soon as he came to this realisation, he shuffled forward and slid his arms around Cas. Cas immediately collapsed into his arms, sobbing, and Dean slid one hand through the hair at the back of Cas' head to cradle his head.

"It's okay," he murmured as Cas howled in his arms. "You're okay."

"N-No," Cas hiccupped. "I'm – I'm _not_ okay, Dean. I'm b-broken."

"Okay. You're not okay now. But look at me."

Cas' tearful blue eyes met his.

"I want you to say something, okay?"

"O-Okay."

"I'm not broken. I can get through this. I'm not alone."

"Dean –"

"Say it."

Cas took a shuddering breath.

"I – I'm not broken. I can get through this. I'm not – I'm not alone."

"Good." Dean brushed his lips across Cas' forehead.

"But that's not true, Dean. Why should I tell myself something that I don't believe?"

"Because if you say it enough times, you _will_ believe it. God knows how many times I had to keep telling myself shit to get it through my thick head. If you're ever about to lose it, I want you to say that. I want you to say that every day until you do believe it, then say it a bit more just because you can. You got that?"

Cas nodded slowly.

"Good. Now, c'mon. I'll get you that hot drink."

Dean slid out of bed and held out a hand for Cas to take, which he did.

"I – I'll catch up," Cas said, his eyes flicking to the floor. "You go on, Dean."

"Cas –"

"I promise I won't try anything. I just – I need a moment to compose myself."

"Okay. If you're taking too long, I _will_ come find you. Can I kiss you?"

Cas nodded. Dean kissed his forehead, then captured his lips in a deeper kiss, though he pulled away before it could become too heated again.

"Two minutes, sweetheart. Then I'm coming for you."

Cas blinked and stared at him.

"What?" Dean said self-consciously.

"You called me sweetheart," Cas said quietly. A soft smile spread across his lips. "I like it."

Dean grinned goofily at him, thrilled to have wrestled even a small smile out of the ex-angel.

"You better feel special 'cause I don't call just anyone that. Remember, two minutes. I'm counting."

He left Cas in the room to head to the kitchen, where he boiled the kettle for Cas' tea. He got the coffee out for himself – if he wasn't going back to sleep anyway, he might as well have a delicious drink instead of that leafy crap that his health freak of a brother bought.

When two minutes had passed and there was no sign of Cas, Dean swore under his breath and headed for the bedroom. Was Cas okay? Had he had another panic attack or violent reaction? What if he was too deep in his own mind?

His fears were allayed when he heard footsteps as he reached the door and Cas appeared a moment later. It was quickly clear as to what the ex-angel had been up to.

"How many layers do you need?" Dean said in surprise. From a simple _AC/DC_ shirt, Cas had pulled on possibly every single plaid and long-sleeved shirt that Dean had so that he looked extra bulky. He also wore several more pairs of pants and at least two pairs of socks.

"I – my apologies," Cas mumbled, looking down with a flushed face. "I had to – I felt naked with only one layer, Dean. I needed more."

Dean understood straight away.

"Safety net?" he said. Cas nodded quickly. "That's okay. C'mon, the water's boiled."

He fixed a cup of tea for Cas and a cup of coffee for himself and they drank in relative silence, only breaking it for occasional murmurs. Dean took a minute to wash their empty mugs and then he held out his hand for Cas to take. It was practically second nature for him to just grab a partner's hand or spontaneously kiss them or initiate any contact that he engaged in (hey, the ladies loved a man who knew what he was doing), but it was totally different with Cas. Dean knew that, much as Cas wasn't weak or delicate or a fragile little flower, one wrong move could set off an instinctive 'danger get the fuck away' response and result in Cas having another panic attack or meltdown. It was vital that Cas initiated all contact or made the first move until he was comfortable enough to allow Dean to do so.

"Thank you, Dean," Cas said, clinging to Dean's hand as though it was a lifeline. "I can't thank you enough for helping me so much."

Dean smiled and leaned in slowly to kiss the side of his head.

"Dude, that's what I'm here for."


End file.
